The following post is basically just a journal entry. It’s probably not worded nicely, and may or may not make sense. But this is what I felt needed shared.
It seems like every little while or so I get these seasons of restlessness…usually when I’m in the middle of doing something I enjoy, which is weird. Well, yesterday morning the restlessness drove me to take a walk down the road a ways after I finished chores. As I walked I began questioning myself; asking, who was I really? And I didn’t know the answer. I realized I’d become so focused on who I wanted to be, or wished I could be but knew I couldn’t, that I’d forgotten who I was. From there the thoughts morphed into prayer, and I started complaining to God about how lost I’d been feeling lately, and asking Him what was causing this depression and restlessness.
Somewhere along the line, a thought was suggested to me that perhaps there was something I wasn’t giving to God…something I was holding back, trying to keep for my own use instead of submitting to His power. I don’t know quite how I got there; perhaps it was Him speaking. At any rate, I began to ponder all the gifts He’d given me – a love of writing, a love for people and a desire to help them, a pretty voice (Hey, I can’t help it if people say it’s pretty! It’s not my fault…), a love of drawing, and some small talent (I hope) in music…you get the picture. I began to wonder… had I submitted these to God, or was I keeping them back, with the excuse that He’d given them to me, and they were mine?
So I gave them back. I gave everything I could think of back to Him. (And continue to do so as I think of more things.) And now I feel empty. Empty and quiet… But it feels so much better than being lost! Because I found Him…again. He never left me, but I lost sight of Him. Oh, the more I see, the more I understand just how blind I am! But God is so good to me, constantly guiding me, reminding me to look to Him for everything. (Incidentally, the easiest way to do that is to have nothing to begin with. And the easiest way to have nothing is to give it all back to Him. Just occurred to me as I typed this.) And so here I stand. Empty hands, waiting heart, to see where He is taking me. Somehow I can’t be afraid. Whatever He has planned, I know it is for my good, and His glory. And I guess that’s the way it should be. *Smiles*