Well, here we are, 19 days until (Lord willing) I move on-campus. I can not believe how fast the summer has gone! Time is only speeding up from here, and there are yet decisions pressuring me. I don’t know what to do. I’m still waiting on God to provide for me, and I don’t know how long He is going to have me wait, which makes it harder to make said decisions. I’m trying to juggle multitudes of time-consuming activities and I’m pretty sure I’m dropping most of them. By now, according to human understanding, I should be freaking out and stressing pretty seriously.
And I have been somewhat. If God doesn’t provide I have no Plan B. I seriously do not know where the last $7,000 is going to come from, even if (as is planned) I do get a job up there. I have no idea how I’m going to balance my schedule once school starts. I don’t know what all I need. And I’m scared that I won’t be up to “extroverting” and so I will be unnoticed and lonely.
When I focus on those things the old depression creeps up and I feel defeated and exhausted. The joy that I know I have in Christ is nowhere to be seen at the moment, and I worry. Maybe that’s because joy and stress can’t coexist in the same human being. If you’re really trusting God for your joy, can you be stressed out at the same time? And if you’re stressing out, can you really trust God for your joy?
So I keep going back to trusting. I’ve been reading George Muller’s autobiography (highly recommend it to literally EVERYBODY) and that has been an incredible encouragement and reminder to look to God for all my needs to be met. And you know? He has been meeting my needs! Friends have (unasked) offered me various items/furnishings, the Lord increased one of my grants by $500, and a myriad of small miracles along the way that point toward His will taking me to Sterling College. If it is His will, and if He has brought me so faithfully thus far, you cannot tell me that He will stop before He has finished what He started. And in that knowledge, I can give Him my stress and take in return His joy to sustain me through these last crazy days of preparation.